SUBJECT: THE Y2K FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe: (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____ Color of hair: (_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road? A SOUTHERN NATIVITY SCENE In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar!'" The Top 40 List of things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered, and no matter how much the skunks are threatening........... 40. Oh I just couldn't; Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrestling's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached orbroiled? 12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate. 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. You All. 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight. You're probably from South Louisiana if... 1. The crawfish mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass. 2. You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!" 3. Every so often, you own waterfront property. 4. When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", "riverside", "lakeside", "other side of the bayou", "other side of the levee" or "across the neutral ground." 5. When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"! 6. Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under. 7. You've ever had CDM or Community Coffee. 8. You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Atchafalaya, etc.) 9. You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house. 10. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen) 11. The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad. 12. You know the definition of "dressed". 13. You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop. 14. The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake. 15. The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO. 16. You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off. 17. You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something". 18. You go by "ya-mom-en-`dems" on Good Friday for family supper. 19. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday. 20. You don't realize until high school what a "county" is. 21. You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads. 22. You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors). 23. You go to buy a new winter coat ( what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads. 24. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled. 25. You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team. 26. You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs. 27. You describe a color as "K&B Purple". 28. You like your rice and politics dirty. 29. When given the choice for Governor between a KKK leader and Edwin Edwards, it's a difficult decision. 30. You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods. (Scary, but true.) 31. You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins". 32. A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat. 33. You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway. 34. You prefer skiing on the bayou. 35. You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard. 36. You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana. All good Southerners already know this, but in fairness to those Yankees (northerners visiting the South) or Damn Yankees (northerners who visit the South and stay) who may venture South this winter there are some things you need to know. 1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day; so let them cook something they know. 2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth and Inez have all been known to whip a man's butt for less than that. 3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. 4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't a southern team, like Florida, Alabama, LSU, and Texas. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week. 5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are or have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (ex Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, Yahoo, MTV and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better! 6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your whining; spend your money and leave. 7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and, for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits. 8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster. 9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If y'all don't like it here, carry your Yankee ass back home. 10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy northern games; so don't ask about the scores. We simply don't care. 11. We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing Jazz. You have to know how to do it right first. 12. Last, but by no means, least... DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. You're damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place, don't push your luck! Ya' got it? MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS GENERAL: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATRE ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.