THE AMAZING FLYING TURTLE Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted." CHECK SENDER Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one Look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw the note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband PS. Sure is hot down here. CHICKEN GUN Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist. Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and spaceshuttles, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as tile chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified, Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken." CHOICES WE MAKE It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline in the Northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the coach. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. DON'T TAKE ANOTHER MAN'S DRINK There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..." FERRARI A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks "What kind of car you got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!". "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?". "Because this car can do up to 320 kilometers an hour!" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right." Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers in the young man's ear, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" FREEWAY As an older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!" "Shoot," said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!" THE IMPORTANCE OF CORRECT PUNCTUATION Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria LAWYER COMEBACK A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. MATING Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a small cave. He hollered into the cave: "Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' and get an answer back, it means she is in there waiting to mate with you." Just then the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" off came the clothes and into the cave he went. The Cajun guy starts running around the desert looking for a cave to find a woman of his own to get it on with. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at de size of dat cave! It's bigger den de ones dat dose Indians found. There must be something really great in dis chere cave!" Well, he took off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WHOOOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOOOO!! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper, the headline read: NAKED CAJUN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN NAMING THE TWINS A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby. "You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you." "Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?" "Denise," the doctor replies. Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?" The doctor answers, "Denephew." ON SALE! A woman goes into Walmart to buy her husband a rod and reel set. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register. There is a Walmart "Associate" standing there wearing dark sunglasses. The lady says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped the rod and reel on the counter anyway. The cashier said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Penn 202 reel and 12 lb. Test line...it's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's on sale for $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's just what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." The cashier walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime, the woman farts. At first, she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way the cashier could tell it was her, being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50, please, Ma'am." She says, "But didn't you say it was on sale for $20.00?" He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel are on sale for $20.00, but the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink-bait is $2.50." OUR GOVERNMENT A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95. Love, Tommy OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," the doctor replied. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him real hard on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, "Hurts doesn't it?" THE PARROT AND THE MAGICIAN A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?" WHALE CHAT An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but I bet it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'" WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR? Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children." The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"