ABOUT THOSE 10 COMMANDMENTS... Moses made a third pilgramage to Mount Sinai. After much climbing he arrives at the burning bush and removes his sandals. Kneeling down, he says a prayer of entreaty: "Oh mighty God, your people have sent me back to ask you a question about the Ten Commandments." "What question do they have?" roared the deity above. "They want to know, are these listed by priority?" ARE YOU AN ATHEIST? A young woman teacher explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a Christian." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian. "Well, my mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so they helped me become a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What about if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist." BIBLE PUNS Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A: Ruthless Q: What do they call pastors in Germany? A: German Shepherds Q: Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible? A: Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A: Pharaoh's daughter: She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A: Nebuchanezzar: He was on "Grass" for seven years. Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda ... because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A: Samson: He brought the house down. Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A: Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once. Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A: The area around Jordan: The banks were always overflowing. Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q: Which bible character had no parents? A: Joshua, son of Nun. A CATHOLIC DICTIONARY AMEN: The only part of a prayer everyone knows BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air-conditioning 3. Your receipt for mass CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allow the rest of the congregation to lip sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY HYMN: a song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song of Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priest known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams JONAH: The original "Jaw's" story JUSTICE: When kids have their own kids KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words the most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been tough PEW: A medieval torture device still found in the Catholic Churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of Altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot and to lunch. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. -Fr. Chris Hoffmann FUN THINGS TO DO DURING BORING SERMONS Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet. Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. Try to raise one eyebrow. Crack your knuckles. Twiddle your thumbs. Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs. Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. MOSES MEETS GEORGE BUSH George W. Bush, the candidate for president of the United States, was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!" PRAISE THE LORD! My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!" During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord." Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it." ~~~~~~ Mayte