BUT MOM, I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL! Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" Is God Left-Handed? I got this from our Sister-in-Christ, missionforjc2000. Thanks, Cindy! Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" Died in Service (this and the next two are taken from users.freent.com/christward) One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?" ********************************* Johnny's Math The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!" ********************************* The Three Wise Women You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN nstead of men? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts. ********************************* Children in church A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ******************************** A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." ******************************** A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!" ********************************* Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" ********************************* The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" ********************************* A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ********************************* Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not Supposed to talk out loud in church." Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." ********************************* My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," John replied. ********************************* A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" ******************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." ********************************* I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." ********************************* A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear." ****************************** One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" ****************************** And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ****************************** One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take." ******************************* COFFEE IN BED A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied,"You know grandma, it's like on TV...'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'" ****************************************************** GOD'S CREATION At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ****************************************************** BEING JESUS A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin-5 and Ryan-3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake... I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ****************************************************** LOVE YOUR SIBLING AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,"Thou shall not kill." ****************************************************** PICTURE OF GOD A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, 'but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ****************************************************** A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ****************************************************** Sunday School Smile A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." ****************************************************** SUNDAY A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!" ****************************************************** AND, FINALLY.............. Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that .. perhaps.. !! this is what REALLY happened in the Garden with God's first kids: After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" asked Adam. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... We got FORBIDDEN FRUIT!!" "No Way!" "Yes WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants or the monkey. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked. "Un huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" yelled Adam. "Did Not!" DID so!" DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own!!!!